Most men who seek out a matchmaker have been on a dating app. They have tried more spontaneous and natural avenues like going out to bars or joining clubs. They have been set up by a friend or family member.
Of course they have, because they are not sitting around waiting to be selected. They are living their lives: working, socialising, exercising, travelling, seeing friends, using apps, going on dates.
Why are we saying all this?
Well, it’s to prove that there is no magic drawer or secret hiding place for all the good men that you can’t seem to find. They are already putting themselves out there.
The skill becomes learning how to recognise, appreciate and connect with a good man when you meet one.
My job as a matchmaker is not just to help women to meet good men, but to help you recognise their potential, challenge old dating patterns and find the right man to build a future with.
So remember, the good men aren’t hiding; here’s why you might not be finding them and how to get your dating life back on track.
1. You’re not focusing on the right factors
What catches your attention doesn’t necessarily make someone a good partner.
For example, striking eyes, a nice smile, confidence and charm or good dress sense are all nice-to-haves in the early stages of dating. But these don’t mean someone has long-term compatibility.
What actually deserves closer attention is if:
- He follows through on plans and promises
- He’s emotionally available
- He’s kind
- You feel safe around him
- He takes responsibility
- You want the same kind of relationship and future
- He makes space for you
It’s so important that you’re able to look beyond surface-level traits and initial chemistry and towards values, communication, lifestyle and relationship goals.
2. You’re confusing chemistry with compatibility
Following on from this last point, you might still be confusing chemistry with compatibility.
Chemistry tells you that you’re drawn to someone. Compatibility tells you whether or not you could build a life with them.
In order to determine if you’re compatible, there are some questions you can ask yourself:
- Do we want similar things from life?
- Do we have compatible lifestyles?
- Do our values align?
- Do we communicate well?
- Do I respect him?
- Does he respect me?
- Can I be myself around him?
- Do I like who I am when I’m with him?
- Would our lives actually work together?
If you’re still feeling unsure, check out our earlier list of compatibility questions you can ask yourself to help determine if someone is right for you.
3. You’re stuck in damaging dating patterns
Sometimes our idea of chemistry or love has been shaped by what feels familiar rather than what is actually right for us. If you’re stuck in damaging patterns, you’re unlikely to find a good man.
But how do you correct these patterns, especially if you don’t recognise them yourself?
Well, you can start by thinking back on your past relationships or recent failed dates. Do you notice any common threads?
Perhaps you rush intimacy, date emotionally unavailable men, or you’re focusing too much on surface-level features like appearance too much.
Another step you can take is to work with a professional, like an expert matchmaker, to analyse your past relationships. They might be able to see patterns or negative behaviours that you can’t, so they can help you to get past these.
4. You’re expecting instant fireworks
Despite what decades of Hollywood films and romantic novels have told us, instant sparks and grand gestures aren’t the norm. So be careful that you don’t dismiss good men because you’re worried there aren’t instant fireworks.
One of the biggest mistakes I see as a matchmaker is women assuming that a good first date must be sparks flying from the moment you meet. But the truth is, attraction can grow over time, and compatible partners can take time to connect and blossom.
Good men who could potentially be great partners are more likely to be:
- Interesting rather than intoxicating
- Calm rather than thrilling
- Possibly outside of your usual “type”
- Even a little nervous
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should force attraction where there isn’t any, and in some cases, after one or two dates you might decide they are just not right for you.
But just be careful that you can make the distinction between:
“I’m not attracted to him” and “he’s not what I expected to be attracted to.”
Because those are very different statements.
Too often women overlook good men and compatible partners because they don’t fit their perceived “type” or they don’t see instant fireworks. Unless there are any major red flags, we always suggest going on more than one date to determine if there is potential.
5. You don’t recognise the quiet green flags
We talk a lot about red flags, but when it comes to finding good men, too many women get hung up on the red flags and forget to notice the green flags. Some of the biggest signs of a good man include:
- He is consistent – Not intense one week and distant the next
- He is curious about you – He wants to understand who you are
- He has a life he enjoys – He has friends, interests, work or passions of his own
- He treats people well – Watch how he behaves towards waiters, colleagues, strangers
- He can handle disappointment – A genuinely good man doesn’t become cruel, defensive or disrespectful simply because he doesn’t get his own way
- He is emotionally available – He should be capable of talking, listening, reflecting and being vulnerable
- He is intentional about relationships – There should be alignment between what he says he wants and how he dates
6. You aren’t working with a matchmaker
Matchmaking is about so much more than introducing two single people. It’s not just about finding a man who ticks all the boxes.
It’s about working together with an expert matchmaker who will get to know you on a deeper level. They will understand your personality type and any potentially damaging dating patterns.
They will also find out what you want from a partner, challenging you to let go of any of these potentially unhelpful habits.
So if you haven’t already, signing up to work with a matchmaker could be the key to finding the right partner.
Because, as we’ve said, the good men aren’t hiding. They are out there; you just need to better understand your own dating habits and patterns, recognise green flags when they’re in front of you and explore the best avenues for finding compatible matches.
If you’d like to know more about our elite matchmaking services, get in touch today.
