When it comes to dating and finding the right partner, we all bring a little life baggage with us; it’s hard not to! But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
This ‘baggage’ as it’s often referred to is usually a reflection of our attachment style. This is something that is shaped early on in our lives through the relationships we have with parents and caregivers and, eventually, with past partners.
Your attachment style will also play a big role in the way you date and connect with future partners, and understanding this can be a game-changer for your love life.
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant (disorganised). Each of these influences how we relate, communicate and cope with intimacy and independence when dating.
So, which one are you?
1. Secure attachment style
Secure attachment is generally considered the ideal baseline, as these types of people generally feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. Not only this, but they communicate openly, set healthy boundaries and trust their partners.
Those with a secure attachment style are more likely to approach relationships with balance and resilience. If this sounds like you, great! And if you’re dating someone with this style too, then you’ve struck gold as they tend to create stable, satisfying relationships.
Who they match with: Almost everyone will match with a secure style, but especially other secure partners. This is because they can help regulate the emotional responses of anxious or avoidant partners and support them to make them feel safe in the relationship, though this can be draining for the secure individual over time.
2. Anxious attachment style
Individuals with an anxious attachment style may long for closeness but fear abandonment; this can cause them to seek regular reassurance from a partner. They might worry about their partner’s feelings or need validation to feel secure, and this can sometimes come off as clingy or overly sensitive to the wrong person.
Their key dating challenges: Those with an anxious attachment style often pair with avoidantly attached partners (which we’ll look at in more detail in a moment). This can cause an emotional tug-of-war that can ultimately lead to frustration and confusion. The anxious person wants more connection, while the avoidant partner pulls away, reinforcing both their insecurities.
Best match based on attachment style: If you recognise the patterns above, a secure partner is the best match for you. They can provide consistent reassurance and emotional presence that helps you soothe this anxiety.
3. Avoidant attachment style
Those with an avoidant attachment style typically value their independence and may find it hard to get emotionally close to someone else. For this reason, they often suppress or dismiss their feelings and may even pull back when relationships become too intimate or intense.
Their key dating challenges: This attachment style can lead individuals to unintentionally push their partners away, especially if they’re dating someone with an anxious style. Their need for space and independence can be mistaken for disinterest or rejection by potential partners.
Best match based on attachment style: If this is your style, your best match will be someone with a secure attachment style who respects your need for space and gently encourages you to be more vulnerable. Another avoidant might create a relationship lacking in intimacy, while anxious types may feel constantly rejected by your independence.
4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style
Finally, we have the fearful-avoidant and this style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant traits. People with this attachment style may really want intimacy but fear it at the same time; it’s often a catch-22. These individuals usually have a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving that has led to emotional confusion and internal conflict when it comes to relationships.
Their key dating challenges: The trouble is that relationships with those who are fearful-avoidant can be intense, chaotic and unpredictable. They may attract partners with similar trauma patterns, and this can lead to very volatile relationships.
Best match based on attachment style: If you’ve got this attachment style, you might face a series of challenges when dating. But with therapy and self-awareness, you can find harmony with a secure partner who offers both patience and structure.
So, how do you find someone who matches your needs?
If you’re looking for love, self-awareness is the first step. Carefully read through the above descriptions of the four main attachment styles, reflect on past relationships and even talk to a dating coach to better understand your style.
Once you understand your default patterns and how you behave in relationships (and why), you can make more conscious choices when dating. Some other tips for finding love, include:
- Seeking someone who communicates openly, respects boundaries and makes you feel safe
- Communicating your needs clearly. No matter your style, honest communication can bridge the gaps
- Letting new or potential partners know what makes you feel loved and supported, and asking the same in return
- Avoiding ‘fixer-uppers’, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. If you already feel like you have to change things about them, they are not right for you
- Focussing on people who show up consistently and are emotionally responsive
- Putting in the work to be mindful and self-compassionate. This can help you to shift your attachment style and work on yourself so you can go into a new relationship as the best version of yourself
Dating isn’t just about chemistry; it’s also about compatibility. When you have a deeper understanding of your attachment style, you can date with intention.
So, if you’re hoping to find love this year, the team at Ignite Dating can help. Armed with information on your dating style and the type of partner you’re looking for, our team of expert matchmakers and Science Based Coaches can make your dreams a reality.
