Have you ever felt consumed by your thoughts of someone?
And not in a, “Aren’t they great, I really like them and can’t wait to see them again” kind of way.
In a more draining, emotionally taxing kind of way, constantly looking at your phone to see if they’ve replied, checking if they’re online, desperately wondering if they are thinking of you.
If so, don’t be disheartened, you’re not alone. What you’ve experienced is limerence. Often mistaken for love or infatuation, it is actually a distinct emotional state.
But what is limerence, and can it be stopped?
Understanding these strong feelings and how they develop can help you recognise related behaviour in yourself, so you can develop healthy strategies to manage them.
What is limerence?
The term limerence was first introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. It refers to an intense, involuntary emotional state where a person becomes obsessively infatuated with someone they perceive as special.
More recently, the term has been applied to the dating world, describing the overwhelming early-stage fixation that can happen in romantic attachments. People experiencing limerence tend to:
- Think obsessively about their chosen person
- Crave reciprocation
- Interpret even the smallest signs or actions as something meaningful
- Experience intrusive fantasies or daydreams
- Have mood swings tied to perceived approval or disapproval from that person
- Idealise their person, focusing on their positive traits and downplaying their flaws
- Feel emotionally dependent on this person and worry about rejection
Limerence Vs love: What’s the difference?
Unlike a healthy loving infatuation with someone, limerence is less about genuine connection and more about the emotional reward of longing, hope and imagined possibilities.
While love involves intimacy, trust and compassion, as well as a desire for another person’s well-being, limerence tends to revolve around idealisation and a need for validation. It feels urgent, all-consuming, and often outside of your control.
Another key difference is that love deepens over time, whereas limerence is usually temporary. Plus, love is steady and accepts a whole person, whereas limerence is more volatile and focuses on fantasy.
Limerence can happen in early relationships, long-term relationships that feel emotionally unfulfilled, or entirely outside relationships (e.g., towards a crush, famous person, coworker or stranger).
Why do people experience limerence?
There are several key factors that can contribute to limerence, ranging from your attachment style to unmet emotional needs.
For some, feeling lonely, unappreciated or disconnected can make the brain latch onto someone who seems promising or validating. Novelty and uncertainty can play a part in this, as the brain responds strongly to unpredictability, releasing dopamine spikes that reinforce obsession.
Those who use fantasy as an escape are also more likely to experience limerence, as it can provide a temporary getaway from stress, insecurity or dissatisfaction in other areas of life.
Alternatively, if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you may be more prone to intense romantic longing.
Though limerence is not inherently harmful, it can interfere with your mental health, relationships or personal functioning, which is why it’s so important to address it as soon as you spot the signs.
How to manage limerence
You may have experienced limerence before, you may be experiencing it right now, and you’re worried about how to manage these feelings when they do arise. That, or you may know someone who you believe to be suffering from this intense emotional state.
Knowing how to recognise and manage limerence is the key to getting your feelings back under control and moving on with your life in a positive way. Follow these steps to help you take back control.
1. Identify the patterns and name the feeling
Recognition is the first important step to tackling limerence. Understanding what you’re experiencing and recognising that it is not love or destiny can help you detach from the emotional intensity. Try to notice when your thoughts become repetitive or intrusive and label them as part of the limerence cycle. This can help to ground you and bring you back to reality.
2. Limit triggers and access
If possible, reduce situations that fuel the obsession. This might mean cutting down on digital contact, avoiding unnecessary interactions or muting social media updates from them. You might also need to set boundaries around communication.
This doesn’t mean you need to cut someone out of your life completely, especially if that’s hard to do, but reducing emotional triggers helps weaken the reinforcement loop.
3. Challenge your idealised thoughts
Write or reflect on the following:
- What do I really know about this person?
- What qualities might I be projecting?
- Are there any red flags I’ve been ignoring?
- What are the limitations of this potential connection?
Seeing the object of your limerence as a human and not some idealised fantasy can help you to shift your perspective.
4. Reinvest in yourself
Limerence often thrives when other parts of life feel dull or neglected. So, a great way to get past this is to redirect energy towards other fulfilling pursuits. This could be creative hobbies, physical activity, friendships or career goals.
The more fulfilling your life becomes as a whole, the less space limerence takes up and the less you will fixate on that individual.
5. Strengthen your emotional regulation skills
Mindfulness practices like grounding techniques, meditation or journaling can help you recognise and interrupt obsessive thought patterns. Cognitive-behavioural tools (CBT) can also be an effective way of reframing distorted thinking and reducing rumination.
6. Address underlying emotional needs
You need to ask yourself, what feeling am I seeking from this person? Is it validation, security, excitement or an escape?
Meeting these needs in healthier ways, such as through therapy, self-development, or improved familial relationships, can reduce the intensity of limerence.
7. Seek professional support if you need to
If limerence causes anxiety, affects functioning, threatens committed relationships, or becomes emotionally overwhelming, a therapist can help. Many are familiar with this concept and can offer strategies to manage obsessive thinking, attachment wounds, and emotional dependency.
Don’t let limerence destroy you
Limerence is a powerful and often confusing experience, but it’s also manageable and temporary. By understanding what it is and why it happens, you can help build healthier emotional patterns and move toward more grounded, mutual and fulfilling forms of connection.
And if you need help finding great potential matches or you would like support on your dating journey, the team at Ignite can help. Get in touch with our expert matchmakers today to get started.
