You’ve seen it in the movies a hundred times; two people lock eyes across a crowded room, the sparks begin to fly, and by their second date, they’re hopelessly in love. While it might be a beautiful work of fiction (and one we’ve all fantasised about), for the most part, that’s all it is.
It’s also one that sets us up for unrealistic expectations about love and dating.
In real life, dating tends to unfold in a much quieter, slower and more uncertain way. And not only is that OK, but it’s actually healthy – and we’re here to tell you why.
The myth of ‘love at first sight’
Most of us have been conditioned to believe that instant chemistry equals compatibility and that if you don’t feel that electricity right away, then something is wrong. But while “love at first sight” may seem like a great story, it’s rarely how real, sustainable relationships begin.
That initial rush of excitement is great, but it’s usually just a cocktail of attraction, novelty and dopamine. Emotional compatibility and long-term potential are completely different.
Relationships that are built purely on that early spark often fizzle out as quickly as they start, once the excitement fades and the real work begins.
This is because compatibility takes time. It grows from shared values, emotional safety, communication and respect. These are the things you simply can’t know or hope to achieve on a first date.
It’s when you’re not blinded by chasing those instant fireworks that you’re more likely to see your date clearly, to notice who they really are, rather than who you want them to be.
The power of the slow burner
Some of the healthiest and longest relationships begin quietly with a slow burn, rather than an explosion. Maybe your first date is nice but not explosive, maybe you even question if there is a romantic spark in the first place.
But, as you spend more time together, you start to notice how comfortable you feel around each other, how easy it is to talk to them, how much they make you laugh, or how they show up consistently when you need them.
These are the qualities and the moments that matter most. This is what is so beautiful about that slow burn. It gives both people the space to relax, be authentic and build trust naturally.
There is less pressure to impress or perform on the first few dates or even within the first few months of the relationship.
Not only that, but when you build something slowly and meaningfully, it tends to bring more emotional security. It is more likely to be rooted in real connection, not just a surface-level attraction. You learn to appreciate your partner for who they really are, not for how they make you feel in a fleeting moment of adrenaline or excitement. That’s the kind of connection that lasts far longer.
Sparks can distract from what really matters
It’s worth remembering that those “sparks” can actually come from many things and not all of them are good.
Sometimes, this magnetic pull you feel toward someone or those butterflies in your stomach are actually a reflection of anxiety, unresolved patterns or familiarity with dysfunctional relationships.
So though it might feel exciting and intoxicating, it doesn’t always lead somewhere healthy. That is why it’s so important to distinguish between chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry is about how someone makes you feel. Compatibility is about how you function together, now and long into the future.
And let’s face it, you can have amazing chemistry with someone who is completely wrong for you, for a short time at least. Whereas that person that you felt only a small initial spark with could become your safest, happiest match.
Redefining what “connection” means
The best way to find true love is to redefine what we expect from dating, particularly in the early days. Instead of asking, “Did we have sparks?” we could ask, “Did I feel comfortable and safe with them?” or “Did I feel curious to get to know more about them?”
After all, these are much better indicators of whether a relationship has potential. And though comfort might not sound sexy or romantic like we imagine from the movies, it’s the foundation of emotional intimacy and a successful long-term relationship. Curiosity means there’s room to grow, and growth is what keeps relationships alive long into the future.
Building love, not just chasing it
When we let go of this need for instant fireworks, dating becomes far less stressful and more genuine. Remember, every date you go on doesn’t have to feel like a big scene in a Hollywood movie. It should just be two people getting to know each other; one conversation, one small connection at a time. If there are fireworks, see this as an added bonus! But if not, don’t write them off just yet.
Real love often looks ordinary from the outside, but it’s built on the small moments like shared meals, quiet nights in, supportive texts, and everyday kindness. There can’t always be constant excitement.
So rather than chasing sparks, look for the slow-burning embers of consistency, trust and comfort. Those are the things that actually sustain a successful partnership.
If you need help finding matches that make you feel comfortable and connected, we can help. Get in touch with our expert matchmakers today to find out how they can guide you on your dating journey and help you make genuine connections with like-minded people.
