Habits form the invisible foundation of our relationships, from daily check-ins while you’re at work to watching the same comfortable shows in the evening and picking your favourite restaurant for date night.
And while quiet habits and shared traditions can be a great way to strengthen our bonds, negative habits can also creep into our lives, sometimes going unnoticed.
One habit that has sneaked into almost everyone’s lives is scrolling on our phones for hours on end, often without noticing the time passing. It’s become so bad that phone scrolling during dates and when in relationships has even been given a name: ‘phubbing’.
Phubbing, short for phone snubbing, is when you check your phone, scroll through social media or respond to notifications while your partner is trying to connect with you. And this endless phone scrolling in relationships can slowly create distance between you without either one of you meaning for it to happen.
As dating experts and relationship coaches continue to explore the impact of technology on relationships, one question keeps coming up: Is endless scrolling making us less connected and killing intimacy?
Togetherness doesn’t always equal connection
Phone scrolling has become so normalised in modern society that lots of couples spend their evenings technically together, but without actually engaging with one another. Sitting on the sofa, eating dinner or lying in bed side-by-side while scrolling on our phones has become routine.
On paper, you’re spending time together. In reality, quality time can quietly disappear without either of you noticing it.
“Picking up your phone mid-conversation or checking notifications while your partner tries to speak to you communicates that the screen is more important than them,” explains Michelle Begy, Founder and MD of Ignite Dating. “This can quickly and easily create a dangerous cycle where both partners end up retreating into their own devices.”
Why is phone scrolling in relationships so habitual now?
It’s important to say that endless phone scrolling in relationships isn’t necessarily because there’s a lack of love; it’s often just convenience and habit.
We know from behavioural science that phones, apps and games are intentionally designed to be addictive and to exploit our brain’s reward systems. Every notification, swipe and refresh can trigger a release of dopamine, giving us instant gratification with minimal effort.
Relationships are the opposite of this.
Physical and emotional intimacy, as rewarding as they are, ask more of us. They require us to be present, vulnerable, and to give our attention and energy.
And after a long day, when you’re mentally exhausted or overstimulated, disappearing into a ‘scroll hole’ often feels easier than engaging with a partner. Our phones ask nothing of us; they don’t require energy, which feels safe when you’re burnt out.
The ‘scroll hole’ effect is making intimacy quietly disappear
One of the trickiest parts about phone scrolling in relationships is that this rarely feels intentional. People aren’t choosing their phones over their partners consciously. They just genuinely don’t see that it’s happening.
When you sit down together, and one of you picks up a phone, the other automatically does the same. You mirror that behaviour, and suddenly an hour has gone by in a flash. Nobody actively decided to opt out of intimacy that evening; it just quietly disappeared.
This is what makes the scroll hole so powerful. It doesn’t usually arrive through conflict or distance or any sort of real arrangement. It arrives unnoticed, through habit.
Why your partner’s scrolling makes you scroll too
Habit plays a far bigger role than many people realise.
“Phone scrolling is so habitual, and this is one of the most underestimated dynamics I see in couples,” Michelle explains. “We are hard-wired to mirror the people we’re closest to, particularly our partners. It’s actually a sign of deep attachment, which is why people often joke about partners becoming one person or becoming so alike.”
That mirroring effect means that when one person reaches for their phone, the other often follows automatically.
The problem is that this mirroring, which in some contexts is a beautiful thing, actually ends up creating a negative shared habit in this case. So many couples who are genuinely crazy about each other have somehow built an evening routine that involves sitting side by side in total silence, both scrolling. And though they didn’t plan it, it has crept up on them.
These habits can affect everyone differently, too.
“On the note of phone scrolling being a habit,” Michelle adds, “I’ve had clients, particularly those who show elements of ADHD behaviours, say to me that they have to actively make the choice to leave their phones in their car or in their pocket when going out on a date. Because they know that otherwise, without even thinking about it, they will find themselves reaching for the phone, especially as a way of calming their nerves and regulating themselves.”
Can couples break the ‘scroll hole’ habit?
The good news is that phone scrolling in relationships is perfectly normal and also perfectly fixable!
But overcoming the habit requires more than simply promising your partner you will use your phone less. Willpower alone won’t always cut it because these apps are designed to keep your attention.
Instead, couples need strategies that work with the brain rather than against it.
“I think a really important place to start here is the bedroom,” Michelle explains. “When you remove phones from that space entirely, or at least agree to set your phones aside at a certain time, you can start to rebuild the brain’s association between your bedroom environment being about intimacy, rather than screen time.”
It sounds simple, perhaps too simple, but creating physical boundaries around devices can have a surprisingly powerful neurological effect.
And importantly, removing the habit of phone scrolling in relationships isn’t enough on its own.
You have to replace it.
Your brain still craves stimulation and reward. The difference is that genuine intimacy, conversation, physical touch and shared experiences provide deeper and more meaningful rewards than endless scrolling ever can.
How to choose each other again
The scroll hole may be one of the biggest challenges of the digital age, but it doesn’t have to define modern relationships.
Small, repeated choices matter.
It’s important to start choosing conversation over notifications. Eye contact over endless feeds. Shared moments over separate screens. This requires you to be conscious of your efforts and energy towards one another. To plan time away from your phones and to be aware when you are reaching for the screen.
As Michelle puts it: “The ‘scroll hole’ is a challenge but it isn’t the end of intimacy. We need to retrain our brains and this can be done by choosing each other first, consistently, until that becomes the habit instead.”
Because being together isn’t really about sharing a sofa. It’s about sharing your attention.
And if you haven’t found the right person to share the sofa with yet, we can help there too. Get in touch with our talented team of matchmakers today to take the next step towards finding love.
