You may have heard about dating attachment style before, where people use the terms anxious, avoidant and secure to describe the way in which they behave in a relationship – but do you know just how important they are when it comes to finding a relationship that really works for you?
Established in early childhood through your relationship with your primary caregivers, your attachment style is something that subconsciously you will take with you into your adult relationships. It determines how you relate to your partner, which subsequently affects how you behave in a relationship and how healthy or even unhealthy your relationships will be.
With three main types – anxious, avoidant and secure – understanding your personal attachment style can help you forge healthier relationships in the future and increase your chances of finding the right person for you, but where do you start?
Knowing me, knowing you
Do you ever get the feeling that you attract a certain type of person all the time, or that your relationships feel a little bit like déja vu regarding your behaviour? This could be your attachment style coming into play and the sooner you recognise it, the easier your search for love will be.
Identifying your own attachment style early, can help you detect potential problems before things go a little pear-shaped, allowing you to recognise behaviour in yourself and others and determine the attachment style that best complements your own to achieve a more healthy, stable relationship.
Dating anxious attachment style
Having an anxious attachment style can lead you to need constant reassurance in your relationships. You are likely to experience low self-esteem and insecurity, leading you to feel anxious, needy or worried when your partner goes out without you or shows interest in activities or hobbies different to your own. While a certain degree of anxiety in relationships can be healthy – remember the age old saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder – if you are finding that you are regularly causing arguments over such things or portraying controlling, jealous and possessive behaviour then it may be time to step back from the relationship and concentrate on addressing your attachment style.
Dating avoidant attachment style
An avoidant attachment style is most commonly represented by individuals that live a very independent lifestyle. You are likely to avoid emotional intimacy and deem connections with others as unnecessary, preferring to spend time alone than socialise with others. While independence in a relationship can be healthy, if you find it difficult to relate to or trust people and frequently find that relationships fizzle out after just a couple of weeks – something which you knew from the start – then it is likely that you have an avoidant attachment style which may need a little nurturing.
Dating secure attachment style
Having a secure attachment style is the ideal when it comes to attachment in relationships as it means you have a strong connection with your partner, but you don’t display any possessive or jealous behaviours. You are likely to enjoy spending time with your partner, but also feel able to go out with your friends and enjoy different interests without the need to check in on each other every five minutes! A secure attachment style doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is perfect, but it does mean you are able to handle any problems in a healthy, balanced way.
Every dating attachment style is capable of finding love
Once you have taken a look into your own behaviours and figured out your dating attachment style, you will have a better idea of those who may be good or bad for you to date – and who it may be best to avoid completely.
Although secure attachment style dating is the healthiest when it comes to relationships, identifying your attachment style as anxious or avoidant isn’t necessarily a bad thing and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy, long-term relationship.
Those without secure attachment styles tend to seek a partner who can meet the emotional needs that they can’t meet themselves, but there is no reason why you can’t fulfil those needs on your own so you no longer have to rely on a partner to meet them for you. For example, if you identify as an anxious style you might need to work on your self-esteem and knowing that you don’t need to rely on somebody to prop you up but can cope when you are single, whereas if you identify as an avoidant style you may need to work on learning how to let others in.
As human beings, we crave a deeper level of connection with others. By identifying the traits in your dating attachment style, you will be able to work on any negative patterns and open yourself up to more healthy and balanced relationships in the future.
At Ignite Dating, we work with people across all dating attachment styles and understand how attachment styles and dating go hand in hand. Because everyone is different, we tailor our services to your specific requirements and your matchmaker will be on hand to advise and guide you to get the best out of your dating journey and your future relationships.