Over the last couple of years, the term red flag has become one of the most popular buzzwords on social media, particularly when talking about relationships and social interactions. It’s become so commonplace that even just seeing that little flag emoji on a message or video clip tells us all we need to know.
In this case, red flags refer to the negative traits or behaviours you should look out for in a partner. The warning signs that someone might not be a healthy match for you.
While this can be helpful for avoiding toxic relationships and recognising behaviours that you may not have realised were problematic, it’s not without its own problems.
Too often, we get so focused on spotting the negative that we miss the signs of compatibility that are right in front of us. And it’s important to remember that dating isn’t just about avoiding heartbreak; it’s also about recognising when you’ve found someone worth investing in.
That’s why we’re here to share how you can recognise red flags without ignoring the green ones.
What are red flags, really?
Red flags are behaviours or traits that point to potential problems in the future. This might look like controlling behaviour, dishonesty, disrespect or inconsistent communication. These behaviours, be it what someone says or how they act, don’t just go away once you’re a couple.
If anything, they tend to grow and get worse if not addressed. Spotting major red flags early can save you time, energy and heartbreak.
That sounds like a good thing, right? But here’s where people often get stuck, in the hyper-vigilance trap. When you’re constantly on edge, looking for weakness or even just signs that problems may arise in the future, you can easily misinterpret normal human flaws or early awkwardness as major deal breakers.
In the end, you might find you’re ghosting someone who could actually be a great partner, simply because they sent a short text when they were busy and you read that as limited communication or emotional unavailability. That’s why we also need to tune in to the green flags, too.
Why looking out for green flags matters
Green flags are the positive qualities that show someone is emotionally mature, kind and ready for a healthy relationship. In this case, that could be respectful and regular communication, accountability, genuine interest and consistency.
These are just some of the green flags that show someone might want to build something real and lasting with you; they’re signs of emotional safety.
If you only think about what is going wrong (or might go wrong in the future), you overlook what is going right, right now! For example, if you’re dating someone who respects your boundaries, follows through on plans and apologises sincerely when they mess up, these are huge green flags!
The trouble is, when you’re stuck in detective mode, getting in your head about the latest red flags shared on TikTok or Instagram, you might brush these good traits off as basic decency instead of what they really are: signs of emotional intelligence.
How to balance the two
Here are some ways to keep your eyes open for both the good and bad signs, so you can keep yourself safe, without passing up any great opportunities:
Know your non-negotiables
Before you get too invested in a new relationship, it’s vital that you know what your major red flags are, whilst also keeping in mind what positive traits and behaviours you look for in a partner.
Once you are clear on the non-negotiables and the nice-to-haves, you can spot these signs quickly. Just remember not to sweat the small stuff, like someone liking pineapple on pizza (controversial, we know) or them not texting you back with four paragraphs every morning.
Look for patterns, not just incidents
On the subject of not sweating the small stuff, to help you differentiate between red flags and one-offs, you should look for patterns in behaviour. A single comment or bad day isn’t always a red flag, but if they consistently lie, dodge accountability or gaslight you, this is a sign of a bigger problem.
On the flip side, consistency in good behavior is a massive green flag as it means they’re not just “performing” early on and that this is who they really are.
Check in with yourself regularly
Relationships may be a partnership, but it’s important to check in with yourself regularly. Ask yourself, when you’re with them, do you feel more anxious or more at ease?
Sometimes your gut knows what your mind can’t see yet. If you feel safe being yourself, being open and honest and disagreeing without fear, that’s a massive green flag.
Always talk it out
If something feels off, communicate before labelling it a red flag. The way someone responds to difficult conversations can reveal so much about them. If they get defensive or try to shift the blame, then yes, this is a red flag, but if they listen, validate your feelings and agree to work together on the issue, it’s green!
Don’t let red flags get in your way
No good relationship is built on finding someone’s flaws, which is why it’s so important that you don’t ignore those green flags.
Oftentimes, it is easier to spot when someone is behaving the way we want or expect them to, so it’s vital that you’re calm, balanced and honest with yourself. Determine which traits or actions are one-offs and which are consistent. Sure, no one is perfect, but if you can keep looking out for those green flags, you can find someone open, honest and whose good qualities far outweigh the bad. And if you need a little help along the way, our team of expert matchmakers can help. Get in touch today to find out how they can support you on your dating journey.
