Dating should be fun, right? It should be full of potential, excitement, connection and butterflies in your stomach, yet for some people, it’s not quite that simple.
If the thought of meeting someone new sends your stomach into knots or if you find yourself obsessing over what to wear, what to say, their text messages, and generally over-analysing every interaction, you might be dealing with dating anxiety.
The good news is you’re not alone, and more importantly, you can do something about it.
What is dating anxiety?
Dating anxiety is more than just those usual first-date jitters. It’s a persistent fear or worry tied to romantic relationships. This might manifest as avoidance, chronic overthinking, or self-sabotage.
These patterns can become deeply ingrained in our minds.
But here’s the empowering truth: your brain is not set in stone and it does have the ability to rewire itself. This means you can change how you think, feel and act when it comes to dating and starting relationships.
Why do we get anxious in love?
Much of dating anxiety stems from your past experiences, attachment patterns and core beliefs about your self-worth.
For example, if you’ve been rejected, ghosted or hurt before, your brain remembers those negative feelings. It goes into self-protection mode, interpreting even minor dating setbacks as potential future threats.
Over time, your mind forms shortcuts, such as opening up = pain, or love = risk. These mental patterns, while meant to shield you, can actually block you from making genuine connections.
How to rewire your brain for relationship success
Unfortunately, rewiring your brain isn’t as simple as flipping a switch and feeling better about the dating world. It’s about practising new thought processes, feelings and actions over time, consistently enough that they become your new normal. Here’s how to get started:
1. Challenge your inner narratives
You need to start by noticing the story your brain is telling you about dating. It may be saying:
- “I’m not attractive enough for them”
- “If I open up, they’ll think I’m too keen”
- “Everyone leaves me”
- “They’ll get bored of me eventually”
If this feels familiar, then it’s important to write these thoughts down. Then, gently challenge them. Ask yourself: Is this true? Where did I learn this feeling? Could there be another perspective?
This cognitive reframing helps weaken the old wiring in your brain and creates space for healthier thoughts and beliefs.
2. Practice mindfulness when dating
When you’re anxious, your brain loves to live in the what-ifs: what if they don’t like me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I get rejected?
Practising mindfulness helps to bring you back to the present. It grounds your nervous system and helps override the anxiety loop. To do this, you might try:
- Taking five deep breaths before a date
- Tuning into your body, thinking about how your feet feel on the floor, what you can hear, what you can smell, etc.
- Focusing on the moment, not the outcome. Remember, you’re not auditioning to be a partner; you’re simply just connecting and getting to know one another.
3. Create positive dating experiences
Your brain learns best through experience, so the best way to beat old patterns is to give it new ones to focus on.
You can start small. Go on low-pressure dates, talk to people with curiosity, not expectation. When something goes well, even if it’s just a fun conversation with a stranger, take a moment to reflect on it.
This can help, as your brain needs evidence that dating can be safe and rewarding. Over time, these small wins help to rewrite your internal script from “dating is scary” to “Dating is fun, and I can do this.”
4. Detach from outcomes
Dating anxiety often stems from trying to control things you can’t, like how the other person feels. So, instead, you need to focus on what you can control, like showing up authentically, being kind and honouring your boundaries.
Remind yourself of this: a date’s purpose isn’t to find ‘The One’ instantly. It’s to explore compatibility. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure; it’s data. You can use this to understand yourself better.
5. Get support if you need it
Finally, if dating anxiety is deeply affecting your life and you’re struggling to manage this on your own, you can seek professional help.
Talking to a therapist can be incredibly helpful and can help you overcome your anxieties. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your patterns, heal old wounds and build new emotional tools for connection.
Alternatively, if you just need a little extra guidance on your dating journey, like finding potential partners who are a better match for you, an expert matchmaker could be all the support you need. Get in touch today to find out how our talented team can help.
